When you live in a box, life is ridiculous and scary.
Someone was kind enough to leave a bundle of crayons by my feet so that I could draw the images of grand schemes I could live outside of my four paper walls some day.
I take advantage of them daily. Big murals of wonder. Land, family and adventures which I can detail to great lengths with pride and zero remorse on my surroundings.
What I forget to tell myself, however, is that underneath it all I am still human.
Things like mistakes, and unmentionable activities like sex and drinking and shame get kicked to the side as if they are the shavings which have fallen from the bits of crayon.
I feel as if every time someone sees the mess these bits have made, they compress against the walls of the box making it smaller and harder to live in.
I admire those who can be themselves with no fear of censure. I wonder why on earth I even care so much.
I have no problem accepting those who have told their deepest and most shameful secrets to me. So why should I assume I will have my imaginary box smashed to bits with me inside if I open up.
I guess the hardest part about parenting for me, is having such a wonderful human being to have the honor to be a part of and worrying that someone someday will say that I am too human.
That’s one thing they don’t tell you about being a parent. That you will become obsessed about driving your child to be better and more worthy of a future which lacks the fear that you only realize when you become so selflessly in love with something you are entirely responsible for….a little kiddo.
He is already smarter than most adults I know.
Quinn: “life is hard sometimes and you just have to figure it out. When we can figure it out, what happens is we can pick what to do. Then it’s easier to live with life.”
This from a five year old….my five year old makes me break down those walls a little bit. It makes me feel like I can decide to make them homey and entirely of my making instead because I am doing it my way not the wrong way.
I wish I weren’t so damn sensitive and didn’t over think things all the time