THE older I get, the more I realize about myself. I don’t think the way other people think. I also think way to much….its hard for me to communicate with people. The reason being, I don’t hear what is said. I watch mannerisms and facial expression and tone of voice. You can probably understand now why it is so hard for me to venture out of my box with people. I get lost in thought and generally make wrong assumptions about what I am seeing. Like their angry posture being my fault for example. Or a less than anything but happy conversation being my fault. I can’t help it, if I can’t make someone happy, I assume they are mad at me.

No I’m not crazy, and yes you heard me right.
I also don’t believe it is a self confidence thing either. I am fairly confident. Just confused.
I was genuinely never taught how to interact in the interpersonal way I needed. Or at least, in a way that allowed me to understand that people are just people and it isn’t about me. Is that confusing?
When I talk to someone, I don’t see a person. I see THE person, the one inside.
 I often believed that the way I was raised made me suseptable to this abuse.
I had the utilitarian parents. Black and white. The parent was right and the child was an idiot.
 I remember having this conversation with my sister. Like I was being trained to let people walk all over me.
Nothing I did was ever good enough. It was hard to feel loved when the very unit that was supposed to be there for you forever and love you forever betrayed you. Called you bad and did the best they could to punish you for it. There was such a need to be justified and heard that they teamed up against the wrongdoers. They pointed out your faults in front of loved ones to force agreement. I remember many times sitting with my mom and siblings and having her talk down to me to them. I just sat and screamed which of course proved her right. That’s one thing I’ve never been able to control. My screaming. The absolute inability to control feeling helpless and trying to compensate by yelling.
So that’s where the labels come in. I got to the point that I believed something negative about me was true if more than one person said it.
I remember actively changing myself many times to do better. To be better. I would get to the point where I achieved it and got comfortable. Only to be called bad again. Tabs were kept. The list came out of indesgressions. I could not win.
Having in your head that you are a bad person makes it impossible to form relationships.
I fond that I reach the point of paranoia when a good relationship happens because I am so afraid of screwing it up. And I do. It’s a constant drain on people to ask if they are ok, if they are mad, to express my fear that I will fuck it up.
I literally can’t handle loving someone because I know I will lose them.
I get afraid when I think about Quinn growing up. I love his independence and I’m so grateful that I had him. He was the first experience for me in what real love was. That little baby was amazing, and this little boy is even better.
Love is funny….so is trust.
I have a big heart and I know that I am a good person deep down. I wish I could let myself see that instead of the mistakes I make and the guilt I feel and the agreement I have to the core that I am bad because of the silly things I do.
Sometimes I feel like i should get help. Maybe if I take a prescription, it will shut off the part of my brain that won’t stop.
The smallest things trigger painful memories and there are so many many many painful ones.
I was once told that you should let it go and not define you. The past that is. But how can I let go of the triggers?
The triggers send me into a full blown memory reel that basically shackles me to the seat and forces me to watch it. I’m an incredibly visual person. I can remember people from 16 years ago right down to the freckles….but only if they hurt me in some way.
It’s like I am being tormented somehow. Attoning for some sort of sin like Sisyphus.
There has to be some sort of lesson I need to learn from making the
Same mistakes over and over again with people.
My ex was big on fault and did a remarkable job and making me feel like the most miniscule object alive. But he was right about one thing. Accepting your responsibility.
My fault is that I cant control my emotions. But more than that….i don’t know how.
I am at the point where I don’t trust people. And now I barely trust myself.
How can so many people be wrong and right at the same time? It’s enough to make my head explode!
Sometimes I feel like the biggest battle of my life will be to defeat myself. As in maybe they are right and I am bad but will strive every day to be good.
I still haven’t recovered from my ex.
There was some part of me that believed I was strong to the very core. It’s an unfortunate thing to be proven wrong in the worst ways. It was the first time I was ever afraid that I couldn’t protect my child during an attack. I still remember Quinn standing in the corner crying “mommy” while my ex choked me on the floor.
And the lengths I went to to prove to my ex that i was good.
How I degraded myself to earn his trust.
One of the last memories of him I have is sitting in my car with him. We were parked and I was dropping him off. If I were heading to a place with another male, he would get defensive and distrustful. To him I was a whore. Never proven other than he had to believe it because I was a woman. Or me. I was just a whore because I was me.
Monitoring my phone wasn’t enough for him. He had to take a bit of pre cum off of the tip of his penis and wipe it on my gums to claim me. He would say “there, know that if he is kissing you, he is kissing my dick”.
How do you let people in after this point? How do you pick yourself up off of the floor and forgive yourself for the unforgivable? How am I so blind sometimes? Why do I see bad in me and good in everyone else?
I have started over so much. My dreams and goals and projects to make us happy are only a small part of what keeps me sane.
I want the good. I want it so badly. I love my kiddo and never ever want him to know the pain I have had in my life.
I don’t want to fight myself anymore. It’s so hard to feel so much all the time…..
I wish I knew all of the answers so that I could stop making the same mistakes over and over again and for once in my life stop caring so much about what people think of me.
The bruises go away after time, but the doubt is clinging like a big ol bitch.
I hope that one day I will wake up and trust myself again. And that these nightmares will stop once and for all. That I can go about my life with blissful ignorance and begin to believe that there doesn’t have to be a good and bad because there is always something more powerful and important to focus on.
Xo-
 

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